I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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