I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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