What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
