it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
