I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
