dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
