omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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