Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
