Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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