my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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