You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
