first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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