I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
