I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
