When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
