Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
