dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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