I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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