I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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