last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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