I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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