so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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