rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
