Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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