Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
