So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
