Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
