No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
