My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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