I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
