I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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