I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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