I think my fart just growled at me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
