I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
