drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
