she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
