My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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