wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
