So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
we made out on top of his cat.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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