I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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