Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
