I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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