Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
