I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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