did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
