just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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