i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
