some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
