Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
