Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
